A Practical Guide to Healthy Relationships

1. Sex, affection and feeling wanted

What is intimacy? It’s the closeness you share in a relationship.

Non-sexual intimacy includes listening, affection, conversation, emotional support, time together, reassurance and physical touch. Buying things for each other and providing a lifestyle can also be expressions of care that contribute to that closeness.

Sexual intimacy includes sexual conversation, touching, masturbation in each other’s presence, mutual sexual activity and intercourse.

Both count. Wanting sex and affection is just as legitimate as wanting someone to listen, talk or offer emotional support. Neither gives you an automatic right to the other person’s participation.

You might miss sex. You might also miss her reaching for you, giving you a hug or showing she’s pleased to see you. That doesn’t make you selfish or demanding.

A good relationship gives both people room to say what they need. Neither person should be pressured, punished or shamed for declining sexual or non-sexual intimacy.

These are things you willingly do for each other within a partnership. They aren’t automatic rights or a trade. Listening doesn’t buy sex. Sex doesn’t buy affection. Spending money doesn’t buy an entitlement to either.

You can respect her right to say no and still be honest that the relationship isn’t meeting your needs. You can ask for change, seek counselling or decide it isn’t working for you.

2. The end-of-day download

She wants to talk through everything that happened today. For her, that conversation may be an important form of intimacy.

But you might find that going through every frustration leaves you feeling worn down. You might want a lighter conversation, a laugh or a chance to talk about your own day.

That counts too. Caring about someone doesn’t mean being permanently available to absorb their stress.

You can recognise that talking through her day matters to her and still ask to keep the conversation light and mutual.

There will be times when either of you needs a proper talk about something difficult. The point is that both people get a say in the conversation, and both get heard.

Neither of you should have to provide attention on demand to prove you care.

3. Going through your phone isn’t okay

Being together doesn’t cancel your privacy.

Reading your messages, accessing your accounts or tracking your location without permission crosses a boundary. Sharing a password once doesn’t mean giving permanent permission.

“If you’ve got nothing to hide, why do you care?” isn’t a reason to hand over your phone.

If something is worrying her, you can discuss it. That doesn’t mean agreeing to have your phone searched. The same goes for you: don’t go through hers without permission.

If saying no leads to threats or intimidation, take that seriously. If you think you’re being secretly monitored, seek advice from a safe device before changing settings that might alert her.

4. Money

Your worth isn’t your pay packet. Being the man doesn’t mean every expense lands on you.

Hair extensions, nails, false eyelashes, Botox, expensive skincare, cosmetics and expensive wardrobes are choices, not needs. Here, we’re talking about spending on appearance, not treatment for a medical condition.

Paying for those things can be part of what you choose to do for each other in a partnership. It isn’t a right or something you owe because you’re the man. It needs to fit what you’ve both agreed and can afford.

The same applies to expensive hobbies and other optional spending by either partner. Shared money needs shared agreement.

Be clear about what you cover together, what you each pay for and what you can afford. Agreed spending limits should apply fairly. You shouldn’t have to justify every purchase while hers go unquestioned.

Earning more doesn’t buy either person the final say. Earning less doesn’t mean you lose your say. Both of you should understand the finances and have a say in decisions that affect you.

Taking your income, creating debts in your name or withholding money to control you goes beyond a disagreement about spending.

5. Pulling your weight

You might feel that everything you haven’t done gets noticed, while everything you have done gets ignored.

Look at the whole workload: paid work, childcare, cooking, cleaning, repairs, transport, planning and keeping things running. Count both people’s contributions fairly, including the time and responsibility involved.

You can be willing to do your share and still question whether the split is fair. What you already contribute deserves recognition.

Doing your share means taking responsibility for it, including noticing what needs doing and following through. That applies to both of you.

6. Having a life of your own

You’re still a person outside the relationship.

Mates, hobbies, exercise and quiet time matter. You shouldn’t stop seeing people or doing things you enjoy just to avoid the argument afterwards.

Shared responsibilities need sorting, but both of you should get some time of your own.

You don’t need to prove your love by being available every minute or giving a running account of where you are.

7. Children and your role as a dad

You’re their dad. Your relationship with your children matters, whether you’re together, separated or divorced.

An ex-wife or partner shouldn’t use the kids to win an argument, carry hostile messages, spy on you or pressure you over unrelated demands.

Your role shouldn’t be reduced to paying the bills while your contribution as a parent gets brushed aside.

Keep your own conduct steady too. Don’t run their mum down to them or ask them to take sides. Keep adult disputes between adults.

Acting on a genuine concern about a child’s safety is different from using contact to punish an ex. If contact is being threatened or arrangements keep changing, keep a factual record and get advice about the arrangements and any safety concerns.

8. Always being the one who backs down

Do you end up apologising just to stop the argument, even when the original problem was something she did?

Owning your mistakes is fair. Being expected to take the blame for everything isn’t.

An argument shouldn’t end with your original concern forgotten and you apologising for bringing it up. You can acknowledge your part without accepting responsibility for hers.

You shouldn’t have to agree with everything, accept insults or apologise for raising a reasonable concern just to keep the peace.

Both people need to take responsibility for their own behaviour.

9. You don’t have to take verbal abuse

Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you have to take verbal abuse.

Insults, humiliation, threats and intimidation are not something you have to put up with. Neither is being made to feel worthless. Calling it “having a row” does not excuse it.

That includes ridicule about your body, income, sexual performance or mental health. Private things you’ve shared shouldn’t become ammunition in an argument.

You should be able to step away from an argument. Being followed from room to room, kept awake or blocked from leaving isn’t an acceptable way to force a conversation.

If setting a boundary makes things more dangerous, focus on getting support safely. You don’t have to find the perfect words or win the argument.

10. When it crosses the line

Men can be victims of domestic abuse. Women can use violence, sexual coercion, threats and control against male partners.

Being bigger, stronger or able to fight back doesn’t mean you can’t be frightened or abused. Staying in the relationship doesn’t make it your fault.

Take these things seriously:

• Violence or intimidation: hitting, scratching, throwing things, damaging property or blocking your way out.
• Sexual pressure: unwanted sexual contact, threats or humiliation used to make you take part.
• Reproductive coercion: sabotaging contraception, lying about its use or pressuring you into parenthood.
• Threats involving children or reputation: threatening dishonest allegations, your job or your relationship with your children to make you comply.
• Control and isolation: monitoring you, restricting money or cutting you off from support.

Not every disagreement, refusal or unmet need is abuse. But threats, intimidation and control aren’t ordinary relationship problems. A single act of violence or sexual assault is serious; you don’t have to wait for a pattern.

What you can do:

• If you or your children are in immediate danger in Australia, call 000.
• Tell someone you trust what’s happening.
• We’ve listed the support line numbers on our support page, so you can find someone to talk to and work out your next step.
• Use a safe device to contact support if yours might be monitored.
• Keep threatening messages and a dated record of incidents when it’s safe. Don’t provoke or prolong an incident to collect evidence.
• Get safety and legal advice before announcing plans to leave if you’re worried about the reaction.

You don’t need visible injuries or a perfect evidence record to ask for help.

11. You can take a break, and you can leave

You don’t have to keep pushing through a relationship that isn’t working for you. You can take some time apart to work out what you want, or decide to end it. It doesn’t have to be abusive before you can make either choice.

If you take a break, be clear about what that means: contact, living arrangements, children, money and whether you’re still exclusive. You can choose to take space; neither person has to promise to resume the relationship.

You don’t need her agreement to end the relationship. Get advice where needed about children, housing and shared finances.

If you’re worried about threats, violence or the reaction, get support and make a safety plan first. We’ve listed the support line numbers on our support page.

If you want out, read How to leave with a parachute and land on your feet.

You get a say in how you live your life.

Your needs count too.