A man can remain committed to his relationship while feeling unwanted within it.
His income may matter. His practical contribution may matter. His willingness to listen, reassure and keep going may matter. Yet when he speaks about the affection or sexual connection missing from his life, that absence can be treated as his problem alone.
That is the experience Atlas wants examined: being relied upon as a partner while feeling that his own needs have no place in the relationship.
For some men, seeking intimacy elsewhere becomes part of that story. Before reducing their decisions to a punchline or a moral label, we should listen to what they say they were missing—and what happened when they tried to discuss it.
More than half of men were dissatisfied with sexual frequency
An Australian population-based study published in 2011 found that 46% of men and 58% of women in regular heterosexual relationships were satisfied with their sexual frequency. Expressed as dissatisfaction, the figures were 54% of men and 42% of women. Dissatisfied men overwhelmingly wanted more sex; among dissatisfied women, two-thirds wanted more. Study
| Satisfaction with sexual frequency | Men | Women |
|---|---|---|
| Satisfied | 46% | 58% |
| Dissatisfied | 54% | 42% |
The difference was 12 percentage points. Relative to women’s dissatisfaction rate, men’s was approximately 29% higher:
(54 − 42) ÷ 42 × 100 = 28.6%.
These figures concern respondents’ satisfaction with their own frequency, rather than directly measuring differences between both members of each couple.
For a man recognising himself in that finding, the question is straightforward: can you discuss what you are missing and have it taken seriously?
Sexual frequency has declined
Australian surveys recorded approximately a one-fifth decline in average sexual frequency within regular heterosexual relationships between 2001–02 and 2012–13. UNSW comparison
| Australian survey period | Average occasions per week |
|---|---|
| 2001–02 | Approximately 1.8 |
| 2012–13 | 1.44 |
| Decline | Approximately 20% |
(1.8 − 1.44) ÷ 1.8 × 100 = 20%.
Later international surveys also recorded declines. In France, among adults aged 18–69 who had been sexually active in the preceding year, reported frequency changed as follows: French national survey
| Average occasions over four weeks | 2006 | 2023 | Decline |
|---|---|---|---|
| Men | 8.7 | 6.7 | Approximately 23% |
| Women | 8.6 | 6.0 | Approximately 30% |
These are separate national comparisons, not one continuous Australian trend. They nevertheless make declining sexual frequency a substantive part of the discussion.
For someone who wants more connection, the change can be experienced as an important loss within a relationship they still value.
Sexual release and feeling wanted
Australia’s 2012–13 national survey also recorded substantial differences in solitary masturbation. ASHR2 study
| Reported masturbation | Men | Women |
|---|---|---|
| Previous year | 72% | 42% |
| Previous four weeks | 51% | 24% |
A US national survey conducted in 2021 found that wanting more partnered sex was associated with more frequent masturbation. Pleasure, stress relief and relaxation were also prominent motivations. Study
For the man missing a partner’s affection or desire, sexual release may leave the central absence untouched.
He may want someone to reach for him. To initiate contact. To kiss him without being asked. To show that they want him.
Those are questions about closeness as well as sexual activity.
Our relationship guide recognises intimacy through conversation, listening, reassurance, affection, shared time, touch and sexual connection. Men’s needs extend across that range.
Being useful and being wanted are different experiences.
What research among clients tells us
Evidence from men who purchase sexual services brings the relationship question closer.
A study published in 2015 recruited 309 male clients in New South Wales through purposive sampling. Different questions received different numbers of responses.
Among 261 respondents reporting relationship status:
| Relationship status | Share |
|---|---|
| Married | 34.9% |
| Living with a partner | 11.5% |
| Combined | 46.4% |
Among the 141 respondents who answered the question about sexual satisfaction within their current relationship, 72—51%—reported being fairly or very dissatisfied.
And among 262 respondents answering the attendance-frequency question, 154—58.8%—reported purchasing sex weekly, fortnightly or monthly. That is a combined category, not a fortnightly average. Study and manuscript
These figures describe a selected client sample. Within that sample, partnered men and dissatisfaction with relationship sex were substantial features.
That deserves attention.
What were those men seeking? What did their relationships offer? What happened when they spoke about what they were missing? How did they understand the connection between their relationship and their decision to purchase services?
Understanding requires hearing their answers.
What is being outsourced?
Paid intimacy can involve more than a sexual act.
A qualitative study of 14 men who hired female escorts explored intimacy within clients’ accounts, alongside varied motivations. It gives us a reason to ask about attention, touch, companionship and feeling wanted when examining paid encounters. Jones and Hannem
For a man who describes seeking something absent at home, “outsourcing intimacy” names an experience worth understanding.
He may still want his relationship. He may value his family, enjoy much of his shared life and have no wish to replace his partner. Yet an important need may remain unresolved.
A paid encounter may have personal meaning for him without replacing reciprocal intimacy with a partner. What he hoped to find, and what he actually experienced, are both part of the story.
When fidelity remains expected
The difficult situation is a relationship in which sexual intimacy is persistently absent while commitment and exclusivity remain unchanged expectations.
A man can want the relationship to survive and still find those circumstances painful. He should be able to say so without first proving that every other part of the relationship has failed.
Financial contribution does not purchase intimacy. But rejecting a transactional view of relationships does not require accepting a one-sided one.
If one partner’s need for conversation, reassurance or shared time is a legitimate relationship concern, the other’s need for affection and sexual connection deserves the same consideration.
Intimacy can change as circumstances, responsibilities and feelings change. Understanding those reasons matters. Compassion for the reasons and recognition of the resulting loss can exist together.
A partner’s freedom to decline sexual contact remains intact. So does the other person’s freedom to decide whether the relationship still works for him.
The unresolved question is whether both people are willing to confront what is missing.
The national question remains open
Atlas has assembled a working national inventory of 11,828 candidate listings across massage and adult-service directories.
Of these, 10,823 are general massage candidates requiring classification. The total is therefore a research inventory, not a verified count of sexual-service businesses.
The next questions are measurable: how many eligible premises operate, how many visits occur, how often customers return, how many are partnered and what they seek.
Detailed market scenarios belong in Atlas’s separate methodology work. The client evidence already gives us a concrete reason to investigate.
Ridicule does not answer the question
Ridicule and shame are poor substitutes for understanding.
Where a man has broken an exclusivity agreement, his explanation does not erase the breach. The breach also does not tell us everything about the relationship that preceded it.
We should be able to examine unmet needs and broken trust in the same account.
“Just leave” also overlooks what leaving can involve: a shared home, daily family life and a future he still wants. Those consequences help explain why the decision can be difficult.
He cannot unilaterally make an exclusive relationship non-exclusive. His partner cannot decide for him that the absence of intimacy is something he must accept indefinitely.
Rebuilding closeness, changing an agreement or separating all require confronting the situation honestly. Silence leaves the problem where it is.
His needs belong in the relationship too
The research documents sexual dissatisfaction, declining frequency and dissatisfaction among a substantial subgroup of surveyed clients. It does not provide a current national count of men purchasing services because intimacy is missing at home.
That unanswered question should motivate investigation—and listening to men.
Atlas wants men to be able to discuss affection, attention, desire and sexual connection before those concerns become secrets or crises. A man should not have to demonstrate that his entire relationship is bad before an important absence within it receives serious consideration.
His contribution can matter. His commitment can matter. His needs must be allowed to matter too.
Evidence note: Survey populations, dates and measures differ. Percentage-point differences and relative changes above are calculations from the cited figures. The client study used a selected NSW sample, and its questions have different response totals; those groups should not be treated as identical or extrapolated nationally.